At Radiance Restored, we believe that habitual, intentional acts of harm toward a spouse constitute abuse. Deception, manipulation, degradation, and deviant sexual behaviors result not only in a wife’s heartbreak but also in significant trauma. Radiance Restored believes that all women deserve a safe, secure marriage free from the cycle of abuse.
God loves you. You are not alone. Hope and healing are possible.
*Radiance Restored does not provide or replace professional mental health services.
Discovering your husband regularly views pornography can be devastating. It is heartbreaking to learn that the chaste, faithful marriage you thought you had does not exist. Trust is broken. Shock, numbing out, bouts of crying, intense feelings of anger, and lashing out are common responses when a spouse’s problematic porn use is uncovered. His problematic porn use is NOT about you. It is important to seek counsel from clergy and professionals who understand this to avoid being re-traumatized.
Problematic porn use and being intentionally deceived by your spouse are not “marriage” problems; they are harmful acts perpetrated on an unknowing, trusting spouse. Upon discovery, you may feel like you can’t tell anyone. Many women who have experienced the trauma of discovering their spouse’s infidelity do not feel comfortable telling their families, friends, or church communities. Some fear their spouse will be judged; others believe they will be judged by their spouse's actions. Sometimes, the spouse minimizes his behaviors and their impact on you and your family. Your spouse may refuse to acknowledge the infidelity or abuse is a problem, invalidate your thoughts and feelings about it, or not be able to stop the problematic behavior.
You need safety. We want to support you as you walk through the pain of betrayal and abuse. Taking time away to connect with yourself and with God can bring clarity and peace. Radiance Restored offers retreats for women who have experienced this pain. You are not alone.
God made us to be interpersonal beings. Everyone needs to feel loved and appreciated, especially by our spouses. The pain of living with a spouse who chooses to ignore problems and minimizes the consequences of his actions is a heavy cross. The first step is safety. You should never stay in an unsafe situation. Your and your children’s safety are primary concerns. Call the national abuse hotline at 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788.
Verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse are often minimized due to the lower risk of physical harm. More research in neuroscience is revealing that our brains interpret emotional pain the same way we experience physical pain. Abuse has been linked to disease and mental health disorders. The effects of staying in an abusive situation are not to be underestimated.
To change destructive patterns in your marriage, it is important to address the harmful behaviors and set boundaries. Seek help from licensed professionals, specifically those who specialize in (betrayal) trauma or certified sexual addiction therapists (CSATs). Learning assertiveness skills and understanding what you can and cannot change are helpful tools on the recovery journey. It is not your job to fix your husband; it is his job to change his destructive behaviors. You deserve safety, care, and love.
If you believe you are in an abusive situation or have discovered your spouse's infidelity, you should seek help from qualified professionals. It is important to find a person who has experience in sexual betrayal and abuse. Well-intentioned mental health professionals and clergy who may be “trauma-informed” but not understanding of this type of insidious harm can retraumatize victims. By advocating a wife "forgive" instead of addressing the source of the trauma, an extra burden is often placed on the wife to ignore her own process. You should never be made to feel that it's your job to fix your spouse, or that his harmful choices are somehow your fault. Family and friends can offer affirmation, validation and practical support; however, the emotional and psychological damage from betrayal and abuse needs tending. Radiance Restored recommends seeking professional help.
Marriage counseling is never recommended for couples when betrayal and abuse are present. Unless and until an affair has ended or harmful behaviors have ceased, repairing the marriage is not possible. Radiance Restored advocates for individual counseling of both spouses until they feel equipped to engage in the reconciliation phase. You can not reconcile with a person who is intent to continue destructive patterns. You need support, validation, and healing from how the destructive patterns have harmed you.
Healing from abuse and betrayal is a challenging journey, often marked by invalidation and confusion. At Radiance Restored, you are believed. You are valued. You are loved. We understand the pain of betrayal and abuse. Your experience is validated. It may be tempting to focus on your spouse’s behavior instead of the impact his behavior has had on you. To process this trauma, you need support. Taking time and space from your spouse to regain emotional, psychological, and spiritual regulation can help you better discern, identify, and care for your needs. If you are divorced but still feel trapped by resentment and bitterness, it is time to focus on healing your heart. Finding a mental health professional who understands betrayal trauma and support groups for women is critical to the healing journey. Our Radiance Restored retreat offers an opportunity for you to find hope and healing, reconnect with yourself, and experience the unconditional love of our Heavenly Father.
As Christian women, we are taught to love sacrificially, to believe the best in our spouse, and to uphold our commitments even in times of hardship. These are holy virtues. But when that love is betrayed, especially in a covenantal relationship like marriage, the pain touches every layer of our being: our sense of safety, our identity, our faith, and even our relationship with God. The Lord calls us to truth, freedom, and healing. He can redeem all things, yes—but that redemption often begins with opening our eyes, naming the abuse, and stepping toward wholeness. Women often believe, and are sometimes explicitly told, that they are supposed to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of keeping their family together. While both spouses are called to sacrificial love, tolerating abuse and mistreatment is not loving to oneself or the . Enabling a spouse's harmful actions is not loving. The Lord desires your happiness.
This is often a burning question and one only you can answer. At Radiance Restored, we encourage women to seek wise counsel from trusted spiritual directors and mental health professionals who understand betrayal trauma and abuse. Radiance Restored retreats offer time and space for discernment. You deserve to be loved and cherished. God sees your pain. He desires your dignity to be preserved and upheld. He is not indifferent to your suffering.
Understanding the cycle of abuse is the first step in breaking free. Healing is possible. With the right support—therapeutic, spiritual, and communal—you can rebuild your life in truth and dignity.
Your story matters. Your heart matters. God has not forgotten you.
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