Betrayal Trauma

What is betrayal trauma?

Betrayal trauma is the term given to the traumatic experience of discovering that your spouse has gravely deceived you. Although betrayal trauma can be experienced in other relationships, Radiance Restored focuses on the wounding between spouses. Betrayal trauma includes a spouse’s emotional or physical affair, hidden pornography use or other illicit sexual activity, chronic deceit or manipulation, financial betrayal or secrecy, or emotional or psychological abuse disguised as "normal." It creates a rupture to your attachment on a foundational level. Everything you knew to be true about your spouse, marriage, and family is suddenly not. Confusion, withdrawal, anger, and resentment are common emotional responses. You may experience flashbacks, ruminations, or intrusive thoughts. Places that used to be comforting are no longer safe, including your bedroom, home, certain places around town, or even church. The symptoms of betrayal trauma resemble those of post-traumatic stress disorder, a diagnosis given to soldiers who experience psychological disturbances after they return home from war. Many women experience abrupt distrust of self and others, wondering whom they can trust. Sleep disturbances and avoiding social situations are common. When the person who was supposed to protect, love, and honor you becomes the source of pain, your body, mind, and spirit can go into a kind of survival mode. This is not just heartbreak. It is trauma.

Narcissistic Abuse

What is narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is the term given to the cycle of abuse specific to perpetrators with narcissistic traits. It is emotional, physical, and psychological abuse. All persons with addictions exhibit these traits. These are not once-in-a-while occurrences, but rather patterns of behavior. While a person with narcissistic traits may not physically or verbally assault you, the harmful behaviors can create emotional and psychological trauma in the victim, resulting in physical dysregulation. The fight-flight and freeze responses are turned on, compounding stress in the body. A person trapped in this cycle may experience gaslighting, deception, stonewalling, and blame-shifting, among other manipulative tactics. These are typically interspersed with periods of affection, gift-giving, grand gestures, and lofty promises. The goal of the person with narcissistic traits is control. Breaking free from this cycle takes immense fortitude because the neurochemicals involved in this cycle create a trauma bond with the abuser.

Trauma bond

A trauma bond is the psychological and biological result of living the cycles of abuse and betrayal. Powerful chemicals in the brain are released when the injured spouse experiences extreme stress. The fight-or-flight response in the brain releases adrenaline and cortisol in the victim’s body. This is a biological stress response. Because humans are wired to seek comfort from our primary attachment figures, the betrayed partner must turn to the person who harmed her for consolation. The same person who created the stress by his abuse is the one she needs for comfort, releasing oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin in the victim. These neurochemicals calm the nervous system and bond persons to one another. Living in this cycle creates an addiction in the brain to the person who initiates the neurochemical responses. Research shows that a trauma bond is stronger than a heroin addiction. The psychological damage resulting from a trauma bond often requires professional support. Radiance Restored supports women tending to these wounds. Attending a Radiance Restored retreat offers an opportunity to step out of the trauma bond and into a secure attachment with our Heavenly Father.

cycle of abuse

If you have been in a relationship where you've felt confused, blamed, manipulated, or deeply wounded—even though you’ve tried your best to love well and forgive often—you may be caught in what psychologists call the "cycle of abuse." This cycle is especially common in relationships where narcissistic traits are present in one spouse. It can happen slowly, subtly, and over time. It often leaves women feeling trapped, disoriented, and deeply ashamed.

In the first phase, the abuser may appear loving, attentive, spiritual, apologetic, or even “too good to be true.” You may feel deeply seen, chosen, or valued in a way that feels almost magical. This phase can involve grand gestures, flattery, spiritual language, or promises of a future together. But it’s often not real love—it’s manipulation disguised as affection. The purpose is to draw you in, gain your trust, and create a false sense of security and dependence. As Christian women, we are taught to look for the good in others, to believe in redemption and forgiveness. But this sacred lens can be exploited by someone who has no intention of true repentance or mutual love.

The second phase is where things shift—sometimes gradually, sometimes overnight. Suddenly, the warmth is replaced by criticism, emotional distancing, blame, or passive-aggression. You may be called “too sensitive,” “crazy,” or “ungrateful” if you try to address the shift. You might feel like you're constantly trying to earn back the love or connection you once had. In narcissistic abuse, this stage often includes gaslighting—making you doubt your memory, perception, or sanity. You start questioning yourself instead of the behavior that is harming you. This emotional erosion is soul-deep. It isolates you, wounds your self-worth, and can make you believe you’re failing as a wife, woman, or Christian.

The third phase of the cycle of abuse can be a blow-up, a silent treatment, a threat, an outburst of rage, or deep betrayal (such as an affair, hidden addiction, or financial manipulation). This is often the most overtly abusive phase in the cycle, even though no one on the outside sees it. Sometimes it’s subtle yet deeply wounding—like spiritual intimidation or cold detachment. You may feel like you’ve “hit a wall,” and yet you’re still blamed for causing the explosion. You may be ignored while being accused of being the one ignoring. Being called "sensitive" or "overreactive" is common, and typically this is when the abuser blames the victim for his behavior. The threat of losing the relationship may create a desire for the victim to take responsibility for the abuser's behavior instead of setting boundaries and creating safety.

In the fourth phase, after the abusive event, the person may apologize—or at least offer some version of reconciliation. You might hear:

“I’m sorry, but you know how you trigger me.”

“I just need you to stop overreacting.”

“Let’s just move on and forget it.”

“God says we have to forgive.”

Or, sadly, silence and withdrawal until you apologize—even though you were the one hurt.

Often, this phase keeps the cycle going. You may hold onto hope that next time, things will be different. You may believe his intentions to never do it again. But without true repentance and consistent change, the cycle will repeat.

Narcissistic Traits

Sometimes you know you are in a destructive cycle, but you have no idea what is happening to you. Confusion is the predominant symptom for people involved with persons with narcissistic traits. It is important to note that these are patterns of behavior; meaning, they are habitual ways the person with narcissistic traits engages with you. Often, a victim might question herself because she is the only one who sees these traits. Many people with narcissistic traits are well-liked, even admired, in their communities. It is possible that the person with narcissistic traits does not engage with anyone else in this manner.

This is not an exhaustive list, but these are common traits:

Lying/Deception: The person with narcissistic traits has trouble telling the truth. They will often answer as they believe you want them to, especially if the question is not direct or specific enough. They may tell outright lies or omit mentioning something.

Gaslighting: While widely misunderstood in today’s vernacular, this behavior is an intentional manipulation tactic used to confuse and make the victim question herself. If you've ever felt like you're “losing your mind,” constantly second-guessing yourself, or apologizing even when you're not sure what you did wrong—this may be what’s happening. Gaslighting happens when someone repeatedly denies your lived experience, minimizes your feelings, or twists the truth in a way that causes you to question your sanity, memory, or perception. Gaslighting makes you question yourself instead of the harmful behavior.

Stonewalling: Intentionally ignoring or giving the silent treatment without explanation is "stonewalling." It’s a pattern of emotional abandonment used to punish, silence, or control. When done repeatedly by someone who claims to love you, it leaves you feeling emotionally starved. To be emotionally shut out by someone we love is one of the most painful experiences the human heart can endure. For Christian women, this can be especially disorienting as you may have been taught to “be patient,” to “wait on God,” or to “submit without complaining.” When stonewalling happens, you may question whether your longing for communication is selfish or sinful.

Blame-shifting: One of the most confusing and exhausting experiences in an abusive or toxic relationship—especially one involving narcissistic traits—is the way you always end up feeling like everything is your fault. Even when your heart is sincere, your intentions are good, and your concerns are valid, somehow you’re the one who’s blamed for the conflict, or even the abuse itself. This is not just miscommunication; it’s a tactic called blame-shifting—and it is one of the most spiritually and emotionally damaging forms of manipulation. It makes you believe you are the cause of your own suffering. Over time, this pattern teaches you to distrust your own feelings and carry the emotional weight of someone else’s sin.

Lack of Empathy: The refusal or inability of someone to enter into your emotional world with compassion and understanding constitutes a lack of empathy. Being met with indifference by your spouse when you try to express hurt is soul-crushing. The person with narcissistic traits might make you feel like your emotions are the problem, not his behaviors. You are not being dramatic, selfish, or "too much" by expecting a caring, loving response. Kindness, respect and honesty are foundational for trust. Cold, distant responses or lack of response signals an inability to love sacrificially. Persons who exhibit a lack of empathy are choosing to withhold one of the most basic forms of human love.

Entitlement: Persons with this narcissistic trait believe they deserve your goodness, mercy, and forgiveness without having to acknowledge their wrong-doing. They build their sense of grandiosity around this idea. They believe they deserve special treatment, including that you ignore their harmful behavior. They refuse to suffer consequences. They often set unrealistic or unattainable expectations and become angry when others do not meet their demands. They believe they are deserving of special favors; they have a right to your forgiveness without exhibiting remorse. They usually expect reconciliation with no intention of repentance.

Lack of boundaries: Ignoring others’ boundaries and an inability to set their own are classic narcissistic tendencies. This is why many have addictions and affairs. They often become enraged when you attempt to set or enforce a boundary. Because most people with narcissistic traits are motivated by the need for control, they will accuse you of being controlling when you attempt to set a boundary or hold them accountable for agreements they have broken. Often, persons with narcissistic traits will do the very thing you are trying to set a boundary to limit to prove they are in control. Setting a boundary with a person with narcissistic traits is like pointing him to the a bull's eye on your pain.

Lack of accountability: One of the most difficult aspects of being in relationship with a person with narcissistic traits is their inability to accept fault and take responsibility. When called out for a hurtful behavior, they will lie, deny, blame-shift, play the victim, and refuse to take responsibility. They will deny things happened or were said, even if you have proof. They use tactics mentioned above to avoid accountability for their behaviors and choices. This often leads to cognitive dissonance in the victim.

Persons with narcissistic traits are sometimes unable to have rational, logical, "normal" conversations, especially if you are trying to hold them accountable. You will feel like you are spinning around, getting trapped in "word salad," and will become dysregulated. This is the goal of the person with narcissistic traits. Your emotional dysregulation is their "supply." The best way to engage is to not engage at all. If you must, apply the "grey rock" principle, which means you offer as brief, informative, friendly, and factual an answer as possible. It is not your responsibility to change people with these patterns of behavior; you can set healthy boundaries and shift how you engage with them. It is your responsibility to care for you physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological well-being.