Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma is the term given to the traumatic experience of discovering that your spouse has gravely deceived you. Although betrayal trauma can be experienced in other relationships, Radiance Restored focuses on the wounding between spouses. Betrayal trauma includes a spouse’s emotional or physical affair, hidden pornography use or other illicit sexual activity, chronic deceit or manipulation, financial betrayal or secrecy, or emotional or psychological abuse disguised as "normal." It creates a rupture to your attachment on a foundational level. Everything you knew to be true about your spouse, marriage, and family is suddenly not. Confusion, withdrawal, anger, and resentment are common emotional responses. You may experience flashbacks, ruminations, or intrusive thoughts. Places that used to be comforting are no longer safe, including your bedroom, home, certain places around town or even church. The symptoms of betrayal trauma resemble those of post-traumatic stress disorder, a diagnosis given to soldiers who experience psychological disturbances after they return home from war. Many women experience abrupt distrust of self and others, wondering whom they can trust. Sleep disturbances and avoiding social situations are common. When the person who was supposed to protect, love, and honor you becomes the source of pain, your body, mind, and spirit can go into a kind of survival mode. This is not just heartbreak. It is trauma. 

Narcissistic abuse is the term given to the cycle of abuse specific to persons with narcissistic traits. It is emotional and psychological abuse. All persons with addictions exhibit these traits. These are not once-in-a-while occurrences, but rather patterns of behavior. While a person with narcissistic traits may not physically or verbally assault you, the harmful behaviors can create emotional and psychological trauma in the victim. A person trapped in this cycle may experience gaslighting, deception, stonewalling, and blame-shifting, among other manipulative tactics. These are typically interspersed with periods of affection, gift-giving, grand gestures, and lofty promises. The goal of the person with narcissistic traits is control. Breaking free from this cycle takes immense fortitude because the neurochemicals involved in this cycle create a trauma bond with the abuser.

A trauma bond is the psychological and biological result of living the cycles of abuse and betrayal. Powerful chemicals in the brain are released when the injured spouse experiences extreme stress. The fight-or-flight response in the brain releases adrenaline and cortisol in the victim’s body. This is a biological stress response. Because humans are wired to seek comfort from our primary attachment figures, the betrayed partner must turn to the person who harmed her for consolation. The same person who created the stress by his abuse and betrayal offers comfort, releasing oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin in the victim. These neurochemicals calm the nervous system and bond persons to one another. Living in this cycle creates an addiction in the brain to the person who initiates the neurochemical responses. Research shows that a trauma bond is stronger than a heroin addiction. The psychological damage resulting from a trauma bond often requires professional support. 

If you have been in a relationship where you've felt confused, blamed, manipulated, or deeply wounded—even though you’ve tried your best to love well and forgive often—you may be caught in what psychologists call the "cycle of abuse." This cycle is especially common in relationships where narcissistic traits are present. It can happen slowly, subtly, and over time. It often leaves women feeling trapped, disoriented, and deeply ashamed, especially when the abuse is emotional or psychological rather than physical. 

In the first phase, the abuser may appear loving, attentive, spiritual, apologetic, or even “too good to be true.” You may feel deeply seen, chosen, or valued in a way that feels almost magical. This phase can involve grand gestures, flattery, spiritual language, or promises of a future together. But it’s often not real love—it’s manipulation disguised as affection. The purpose is to draw you in, gain your trust, and create a false sense of security and dependence. As Christian women, we are taught to look for the good in others, to believe in redemption and forgiveness. But this sacred lens can be exploited by someone who has no intention of true repentance or mutual love. 

The second phase is where things shift—sometimes gradually, sometimes overnight. Suddenly, the warmth is replaced by criticism, emotional distancing, blame, or passive-aggression. You may be called “too sensitive,” “crazy,” “ungrateful,” or accused of being the source of the problems. You might feel like you're constantly trying to earn back the love or connection you once had. In narcissistic abuse, this stage often includes gaslighting—making you doubt your memory, perception, or sanity. You start questioning yourself instead of the behavior that is harming you. This emotional erosion is soul-deep. It isolates you, wounds your self-worth, and can make you believe you’re failing as a wife, woman, or Christian.

The third phase of the cycle of abuse can be a blow-up, a silent treatment, a threat, an outburst of rage, or deep betrayal (such as an affair, hidden addiction, or financial manipulation). This is the most overt form of abuse in the cycle, though sometimes it’s subtle but deeply wounding—like spiritual intimidation or cold detachment. You may feel like you’ve “hit a wall,” and yet you’re still blamed for causing the explosion.

In the fourth phase, after the abusive event, the person may apologize—or at least offer some version of reconciliation. You might hear:

“I’m sorry, but you know how you trigger me.”

“I just need you to stop overreacting.”

“Let’s just move on and forget it.”

“God says we have to forgive.”

Or, sadly, silence and withdrawal until you apologize—even though you were the one hurt.

Often, this phase keeps the cycle going. You may hold onto hope that this time things will change. But without true repentance and consistent change, the cycle will repeat.

Sometimes you know you are in a destructive cycle, but you have no idea what is happening to you. Confusion is the predominant symptom for people involved with persons with narcissistic traits. It is important to note that these are patterns of behavior; meaning, they are habitual ways the person with narcissistic traits engages with you. Often, a spouse might question herself because she is the only one who sees these traits. Many people with narcissistic traits are well-liked, even admired, in their communities. It is possible that the person with narcissistic traits does not engage with anyone else in this manner. 

This is not an exhaustive list, but these are common traits:

• Lying/Deception: The person with narcissistic traits has trouble telling the truth. They will often answer as they believe you want them to, especially if the question is not direct or specific enough. They may tell outright lies or omit mentioning something.

• Gaslighting: While widely misunderstood in today’s vernacular, this behavior is an intentional manipulation tactic used to confuse and make the victim question herself. If you've ever felt like you're “losing your mind,” constantly second-guessing yourself, or apologizing even when you're not sure what you did wrong—this may be what’s happening. Gaslighting happens when someone repeatedly denies your lived experience, minimizes your feelings, or twists the truth in a way that causes you to question your sanity, memory, or perception. Gaslighting makes you question yourself instead of the harmful behavior.

• Stonewalling: Intentionally ignoring or giving the silent treatment without explanation is "stonewalling." It’s a pattern of emotional abandonment used to punish, silence, or control. When done repeatedly by someone who claims to love you, it leaves you feeling emotionally starved. To be emotionally shut out by someone we love is one of the most painful experiences the human heart can endure. Christian women, this can be especially disorienting as you may have been taught to “be patient,” to “wait on God,” or to “submit without complaining.” When stonewalling happens, you may question whether your longing for communication is selfish or sinful. 

• Blame-shifting: One of the most confusing and exhausting experiences in an abusive or toxic relationship—especially one involving narcissistic traits—is the way you always end up feeling like everything is your fault. Even when your heart is sincere, your intentions are good, and your concerns are valid, somehow you’re the one who’s blamed for the conflict, or even the abuse itself. This is not just miscommunication. It’s a tactic called blame-shifting—and it is one of the most spiritually and emotionally damaging forms of manipulation. It makes you believe you are the cause of your own suffering. Over time, this pattern teaches you to distrust your own feelings and carry the emotional weight of someone else’s sin.

• Lack of Empathy: The refusal or inability of someone to enter into your emotional world with compassion and understanding constitutes a lack of empathy. Being met with indifference when you try to express hurt is soul-crushing. The person with narcissistic traits might make you feel like your emotions are always the problem. You are not being dramatic, selfish, or "too much." Their cold, distant responses or lack of response signals an inability to love sacrificially. They are choosing to withhold one of the most basic forms of human love.

• Entitlement:  Narcissists feel entitled to your goodness, mercy, and forgiveness. They believe they are superior and deserve special treatment. They often set unrealistic or unattainable expectations and become angry when others do not meet their demands.

• Lack of boundaries: Ignoring others’ boundaries and an inability to set their own are classic narcissistic tendencies. This is why many have addictions and affairs. They often become enraged when you attempt to set or enforce a boundary.